So You Wanna Be A D-bag?

Insider tips to the Art of Bagging, Part I

I work in a place that attracts d-bags like water to a drain. Somebody has to. When you’re a d-bag, you either own it and drive a Corvette and go out night after night, hitting on other guys’ girlfriends and hi-fiving strangers and saying things like, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” for the rest of your life, or you go to great lengths to chastise d-bags and relentlessly piss and moan about how they’re everywhere and how you can’t stand the sight of them, until eventually you jump into your Corvette and go out night after night, hitting on other guys’ girlfriends and hi-fiving strangers and saying things like, “That’s what I’m talking about!” for the rest of your life.

Understand this: d-bag is in the DNA. It is not a temporary condition, like being drunk.  You can’t barf it up and return to a state of normalcy the next day. D-bag is forever. The only question that really matters is: Are you aware of your bagger status?

This is what’s been bothering me: The d-bags who won’t own up to it. If you’re going to be a bagger, live it, breathe it, roll in it! Don’t act like a perfectly cool guy one minute and then blindside me the next by telling me a story about how you were spinning doughnuts in your high school parking lot earlier that day while checking out the cheerleaders.  “Bro, it was so dope,” you will tell me. “You gotta come with me next time.” 

The fact that you graduated from that high school twelve years ago is pathetic.  The fact that it does not even register as creepy to you is terrifying.

Time to cut through the BS.  Stop living a lie.  The only thing worse than a d-bag is a closet d-bagger who won’t admit who he is. I see the things you do and hear what you say to girls. You love it, and that’s great. It’s time to stop half-assing things and accept your fate.  Come out from hiding and let the world know: I’m a d-bag and I love it!

I can sense your hesitation here. You want to know, what makes me the big d-bag aficionado on campus? Why listen to the guy who bags on baggers?  I’ll tell you why:  I observe these specimens in their natural habitat where they thrive five nights a week. Bars, my sleazy friend, are like a d-bag safari, and I’m driving the jeep.  Now, if only I had a high-powered rifle....

… but I digress …
LESSON I: Bagger style — strike a poser

Here’s the most important rule to remember if want become an authentic bagger: Your style’s gotta be sick! I’m talking about the kind of sick that makes everyone in the bar turn and look at you when you walk in because you offend like a clown at a funeral. No posers allowed, you hear me, dog?

For starters, anyone over the age of 35 should stick to the basics, and that means suiting up in either Ed Hardy gear or his dumb brother Affliction. Turns out that shirts with flowers and glitter on them aren’t just for little girls anymore. Ed Hardy has remarkably persuaded an entire nation of grown men that sporting designer shirts suited for 8-year-olds would be frickin’ awesome. 

If your Ed Hardy or Affliction attire happen to be in the dirty clothes hamper, you are welcome to default to a snug tank top or even an Alligator shirt with the collar up. If you choose to forgo the tank top, make sure the Alligator shirt is tight enough so the sleeves are allowed to shimmy up your arms to reveal the barbed wire tattoo encircling your curved, veiny biceps (which should be the same leathery consistency and color of my wallet from all the tanning you have been exposed to).

If you have neither barbed wire tattoos nor curved, veiny biceps, then get off your ass and pick up a barrel of protein powder and a bottle of tequila (to kill the pain of the tattoo) because I’m beginning to seriously question your dedication to this.

Next, you’ll want to invest in several Ralph Lauren designer jeans with swirly embroidery on the pockets, the same type of design you’ll find on most wedding cakes. These will be accompanied with a pair of clunky, steel-pointed leather boots which you can casually raise up to set on a stool or the back of a chair so people (girls) can see them and become aware of your awesomeness.

To complete the ensemble, accessories are of paramount importance. In addition to the tasteful stud or hoop earring you’ll stick in your ear, you must never enter the bar without wearing a pair of knock-off sunglasses (which you will claim are real), and once inside you can either continue wearing them, or for d-bag bonus points, you can flip them around and display them on the back of your neck.

For many, the argument remains that you ain’t no d-bag unless you’re sportin’ some bling bling (I pity the fool!), or pants that sag down to your knees so you have to walk like a penguin to keep them from sliding to your ankles, but this is reserved for the gangsta d-bag, which the younger generation of baggers rocks when they go out. I refuse to teach gangsta d-bagging since it is my goal to keep the gangsta baggers out of my bar. Thus said, how about we move on to lesson two?

LESSON II:  D-bag dialect — do you speak Bagger?

Rule No. 1:  Don’t ever use anyone’s real name.  This is a great rule because you won’t ever actually have to take the time to learn and remember people’s names. Everyone is bro, bro-ski, bro-seph, boss, chief, kid, buddy, pal, friend or Ace. 

The only name you will actually use is your own, which you will do while speaking about yourself in the third person. This is so you can test out the nickname you have cleverly created for yourself, as in “The Chad-inator needs a beerski, bro” (by the way, The Barman can’t stand when people speak about themselves in the third person).

Rule No. 2: When it's time to work the babes, forgo the nice guy routine. Chicks dig bad boys with swagger, and even though they may not readily admit it, they love it when a guy approaches and uses a bad-ass pickup line. It gets them ready to jump into bed with you the first chance they get. Don’t worry if she appears to be having a fun girls night out with her friends, just walk up and say something like, “Nice legs, what time do they open?” or “Is there a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them?” Then stand back and revel in her reaction.

Rule No. 3: Speak in movie lines. This will score mad points with your fellow d-baggers.  If ever there is a lull in the conversation, simply scream, “Wolverines!” from Red Dawn and then give the guy next to you a fist pound (don’t forget to do that cool exploding thing with your fingers afterwards either).  You could also use, “Say hello to my leetle friend,” or if you’re going to the bathroom, “I’ll be back!”

Rule No. 4: Finally, if you are to truly become fluent in the language of baggers, you must master the phrase, “That’s what she said.” The possibilities are endless.  Example:  While eating a sandwich, someone might say, “Man, this thing is huge.  I can’t even get it in my mouth.” Bingo! Jump in with this fresh expression and you will have people all around you busting up and offering you fist pounds for hours.

There isn’t nearly enough time to cover the entire d-bag dictionary, but to get you jumpstarted, here’s a quick list of things you can say that will help declare your bagger presence to those around you: Always talk about how many women you’ve slept with and how drunk you were the night before. Use words and phrases like, dope, tight, sick, swagga, word, talk to the hand, yo, peace out, would you like fries with that shake, and above all, identify every guy you don’t like in the bar as gay or a homo. Eliminating the competition is definitely a dope move.

This should give you plenty to work on for starters. Join me next week for more of “So you wanna be a d-bag?” when we will be take on the intricacies of D-bag Charm and Bagger Behavior.

Cheers, until next time.   JAGERBOMBS!  WOOOO!!

The Barman

CJ March 16, 2012 at 07:03 PM
The convention for these types is at any MMA fight event in Vegas. OMG!! It is unfreakin believable.
Nicholas March 16, 2012 at 07:53 PM
Having been beaten up several times by guys just like this I can only say I hope all the side effects of Steroid abuse come true for them all.
Creek Diva March 16, 2012 at 08:06 PM
Hilarious, one of the reasons I don't venture out after 9p.m. anymore. My d-bag meter goes off at a high rate downtown! Looking forward to part 2.
TheRealBarman March 16, 2012 at 10:06 PM
Thanks Diva. Perhaps the d-bags could borrow your meter, as they don't seem to possess one.
CJ March 17, 2012 at 12:35 AM
That is for the most part a myth. I know several recreational steroid users with zero ill effects. That is a whole other thread though.
CJ March 17, 2012 at 12:43 AM
Barman_ A d-bag with a self eval system is not going to be a d-bag. That's what makes them so AWESOME!!. :-) At the end of the day the d-bags are just insecure guys who have found an image that entice's women of questionable taste and self esteem into their sphere of influence. Eventually even d-bags get married and have kids then settle down and reflect. It's just the testesterone boiling out. They're not all that bad unless drugs are involved. You just hope they don't make it a career into their 30's then they become THAT GUY!
Claire Voyance March 17, 2012 at 02:34 AM
If you don't like cops and firefighters chillin' at your bar, stop serving Appletinis, stop serving drinks with plastic "hero" flags, and remove all of the mirrors in the bar. Thereafter, cops and firefighters will stop coming to your bar.
Stephany Emig March 17, 2012 at 05:17 AM
That was AWESOME! side note though, bartender or not everyone hates a person that talks about themselves in third person :-). I digress....amazing and insightful article, thank you barman.
Donna Lynn Rhodes March 17, 2012 at 02:18 PM
Jodie March 17, 2012 at 02:55 PM
Thank you, barman, for the laugh out loud on this gloomy Saturday morning. I about spit my hot tea out of my nose! Can't wait for next week's installment...
jenny March 17, 2012 at 03:04 PM
Marry me?
T.J. Connelly March 17, 2012 at 07:22 PM
T.J.C. is liking the article Barman-ski! Seriously, you are talented - writing humor is not easy.
Amanda March 18, 2012 at 06:27 PM
I read this and was thinking, "Huh, this doesn't sound like Lafayette, but it does sound JUST like the scene in WC." Then I realized, you ARE talking about WC. Too funny. Great job, brah.
Chris Nicholson March 18, 2012 at 07:25 PM
I blame women. Is it possible that d-baggery arises from a deeply rooted anxiety and insecurity regarding meeting women? Relatedly, is it simply a market-driven phenomenon? If girls at these bars sought out the nondescript unassertive guys, perhaps d-bags would die out by natural selection. I assume they GTL because it works....
Amanda March 18, 2012 at 10:05 PM
That's funny.
Born and Raised March 19, 2012 at 05:55 PM
I love the your perspective as a bartender. These are a genre of boys that have given me, my wife and friends countless hours of entertainment. I believe that you have only scratched the surface on this as a documentary though. Keep it coming Barman! Oh, you might want to get into their inability to know that they aren't nearly the dancing gods they think they are.
TheRealBarman March 19, 2012 at 06:25 PM
Ah yes, the dancing d-bag! So many d-bag idiosyncrasies, so little time. Not sure if I can cover them all, but I'll get to what I can. Thanks for the comments.
Patrice Martens March 19, 2012 at 07:24 PM
Having worked in the restaurant business I've often said people who do it should get some form of PTSD counseling when they quit. Nothing like having to clean up after couples who think bathroom stalls are cheaper and more handy than a room at Motel 6. We didn't call the overly tan, overly developed bad boys who frequented our pub d-bags then ---- but I am now!
Lance Howland (Editor) March 20, 2012 at 07:52 PM
It occurred to me that some new readers haven't seen past Barman columns from a few months ago. Tried to attach a few to this column, but Patch gremlins opposed me. You can find them by doing a search from the little box at upper right on the main page, put in "Barman." It also occurred to me that one of the comments was a marriage proposal from the Barman and he dodged it. whuttupwithdat? -- Lance Howland, editor, Walnut Creek Patch
TheRealBarman March 20, 2012 at 08:03 PM
Thanks for all the comments and suggestions, especially you, Lance. Let's clear something up, though: the marriage proposal was not "from the Barman" as you stated, but you are right, it should be addressed. Seeing as my grandfather was a polygamist with 11 wives, perhaps it runs in the blood. I'll ask my wife, Jen, but I don't think she'll go for it. See you all Friday for Part 2 of lessons in d-baggery.
Claire Voyance March 21, 2012 at 01:14 AM
I see a lot of D-bags wearing IAFF hats, t-shirts, mini-skirts, purses, etc. at bars.
Nancy Lee March 21, 2012 at 01:54 AM
Agree. Too tan, too much perfume, too much bling, cell phone carried as if it is some sort of badge of honor, too flirty and commenting on how hot the young guys are. Sat next to three of them at lunch today and they were knocking back appletinis and hifiving like mad. So d-baggery is not gender specific!
Fredric Kohr March 22, 2012 at 07:32 PM
Barman loved your article, it made me realize that across the years clothing styles may have changed but the dialogue hasnt. Keep those baggers honest.
TheRealBarman March 22, 2012 at 08:16 PM
Oh, but I have to respectfully disagree Nancy Lee, as much as you are dead on in describing the ladies you have seen in the bar. Women cannot be D-bags any more than men can be Bimbos (I guess they're referred to as Membos now). They can be MILFS, Cougars, Tramps or Hoochies, but never D-bags. Perhaps someone can come up with a new name for the female D-bag. I'm open to suggestions. D-bags, Part Deux-che comes out tomorrow. See you then.
Nancy Lee March 22, 2012 at 08:28 PM
Femmes du D-Bag?
Born and Raised March 22, 2012 at 08:51 PM
There already is a name for female d-bags and it rhymes with itches. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
TheRealBarman March 22, 2012 at 10:01 PM
Yes, those are fine names. Fine names indeed, especially the Femmes du D-bag one. Nice, Nancy! Since I have you all here, my friend got me on a "Whose-the-biggest-badass-ever" kick today. Vote at TheRealBarman.com or give me your own pick. WE MUST SETTLE THIS ALL IMPORTANT CRISIS!
Claire Voyance March 22, 2012 at 11:07 PM
Barman, Clark W. Griswold is the biggest-badass-ever. Remember what he did to Aunt Edna's vicious dog? That dude takes no prisoners, humans nor canines.
lovelafayette March 25, 2012 at 04:25 PM
The use of the term dbag is disgustingly sexist (do men douche?), and used primarily by mysogynistic frat boy types who may not know any better. This drivel and the thread of stupid, offensive, disrespectful comments has no place in mainstream journalism. JD have you decided to redirect Patch from mainstream media to tabloid? You have really cheapened Patch. Take this down JD.
Claire Voyance March 25, 2012 at 06:42 PM
LoveLafayette, Please put the brakes on the victimhood train riding off the rails of sanity. The term "douchebag" is a double reference to both the effeminate and disgusting nature of these "guys." The term is intended to be both sarcastic (effeminate nature) and insulting (disgusting nature). Lighten up. Have a Fresca!


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